Fun facts about Canada, its history and stuff in general.
Canada is a nation largely composed of ice, igloos and unhappiness. Our primary exports are winter tires, rumours and Justin Bieber. Sometimes we sell penguins too. Actually, I jest; penguins live in the South. It’s too damn cold up here.
No one likes the winter.
For six months a year we ski, drink and complain. Sometimes we do dumb and dangerous shit because it helps us forget about the cold.
Someone invented an electric sled called a Skidoo. It lets us drive really fast on ice. It scares the hell out of the animals. Sometimes we crash and blame god.
We have much history.
John A. MacDonald was Canada’s first prime minister. Prime minister is our fancy word for President-King. Like most great men of his day, he was a drunk. One time he got so shit-faced he ran off an joined the circus. He was still prime minister at the time.
Wilfred Laurier was another prime minister. He is on our five-dollar bill. It’s our smallest denomination. Going to strip clubs is remarkably expensive. Anyways, he once quipped that the 1800s was the century of America and the 1900s would be the Century of Canada.
If by “Century of Canada” he meant that everyone would eventually confuse us for Americans and we’d become the second most fat country in the history of the universe, he was right.
Sometimes serious stuff happens in our history, like the October crisis. It was a crisis because a group of rich white people wanted to transform the graveyard of an entire people into a golf course where their rich white friends could get drunk, drive around on little carts and pretend to be athletes. The people who’s land it was for generations didn’t agree that white people needed to put little flags and greens over the bodies of their ancestors.
The white people disagreed harder and we had a mini-little war once again.
Apparently their rich white ancestors hadn’t already taken enough.
We love taking shit almost as much as we love buying stuff. In fact, we love buying shit so much that we have a holiday right after Christmas where shit is on sale. As if we didn’t get enou shit for Christmas already.
You’d think we’d have sales before our biggest consumer religious holiday. That’s probably why Black Friday is getting big here. It’s the semi-official holiday where we buy cheap, useless electronics and other shit in the United States instead of Canada.
These days local retailers are really pushing us to stay here buy our cheap, useless shit domestically. Most of it gets shipped in from the States anyways. Or China.
Canada is bigger than China but it has 0.01% as many people living here. We have so much space that we brag about it, all the while building monstrous condo megaplexes in our cities.
We have so much space that we don’t feel bad when we blow half of it up to look for oil. We love oil so much.
Oil comes from Alberta. Alberta is the top layer of soil that sits atop ten thousand layers of dead dinosaurs. When a dinosaur has been dead for long enough it becomes oil.
We put oil in tanks and burn it. Dead dinosaurs help us drive really fast.