Shawn Mendes has the most Annoying YouTube Ads

It’s a fact. The most annoying ads currently on YouTube belong to Shawn Mendes.

Until they started playing, I might have been peripherally aware of him, in the same way I was somehow aware of the existence of the Jonas Brothers and that red-headed guy named Ed.

However, while I was willing to let those gents play their music in the periphery of my awareness, at malls, in washrooms, or wherever else they’re on the air, this guy is different.

I’ve learned to hate this guy.

No, scratch that. Learning suggests volition. This was out of my hands.

I’m been indoctrinated to hate him.

How?

Well, I’m going to say 3/5th of the time an advertisement plays on YouTube, it’s one for this guy.

Considering I listen to music a good four or five hours at work each day, and I get an add like every five minutes… there’s a good chance I see his ad 30-40 times a day.

Every day.

It doesn’t matter how many times I thumbs down it, skip it as soon as it loads, or event block his page, his ads keep playing.

You’d think that YouTube’s advertising algorithms would cut me some slack.

After all, the purpose of ads is to make money and gets clicks, right? Not ostracize the audience and turn them into vendetta-hungry enemies?

What is even the purpose of playing his ads (and forcing us to listen to clips of his music) when we CLEARLY are listening to other genres.

Listening to a Massive Attack playlist? Here, have a dose of some teenager boy singing about heartbreak.

Tuned in to some electro-jazz cafe and looking to unwind? Time to hear some guitar punk scream about what’s in his blood.

Do you like literally any genre of music and dislike teeny pop singers? Well, here’s one you’re REALLY going to hate.

And if you don’t hate him yet, then you’ll learn to hate him soon.

And hate him I will.

I mean, what’s the purpose of hearing some kid rattle about his passion for writing teenage heartbreak songs over and over again? Certainly not for his wisdom or “clever” comments.

I won’t even list them. All you need to know is that his interview clips are about 50% dumber than pre-game interviews on Hockey Night in Canada.

Hell, I’d pay to hear some pre-game talk about creating good opportunities and getting out there with our all, rather than listen to him tell me he’s getting emotional about being famous.

Fuck that guy. Seriously.

My only conclusions is that Shawn Mendes’ marketing team one day found themselves with assloads of cash. Maybe they deliberated between lighting it on fire and annoying every single YouTube user.

They chose the latter.

Maybe they’re the real criminals.

Magento is Still the Biggest Piece of Shit in Ecommerce

Five years ago, I had the shittiest month of my life. I was stuck doing a web project where the client chose to use Magento for their little store.

It was supposed to be a quick and easy gig. Launch their site, import their files from an older domain using a spreadsheet, and let her rip.

How did working with Magento go for me?

I spent hundreds of hours troubleshooting motherfucking bugs and bullshit that don’t exist in any platform except for that hell hole. And because I quoted by the project and not the hour, I ended up making around $4.00 per hour on that shit (if I round up).

Working with Magento was so awful that one project caused me to quit doing websites for people. Cold-turkey. Nada. Zilch. Finito. Not a single site since.

How’s that for a product review to cap off the night?

If only it were so simple.

I revisited that nightmare of working with Magento again a couple years ago, after realizing that the people making, marketing and selling that steaming pile of dog shit that calls itself an ecommerce platform, had literally addressed NONE of the problems myself and hundreds of other developers faced.

Not a single fucking one. Instead of addressing them, they released a turd called Magento 2. They promised it would be lean, developer friendly, and not a mouth full of garbage.

They lied. Oh, how they lied.

While I have fortunately never had to touch that cat’s ass of poison, dozens of developers personally commented on my blog, emailed me, etc. to tell me that yes indeed, Magento was back to its same old bag of dirty tricks.

Why am I not surprised?

Magento Inc. is a behemoth. They make assloads (that’s metric for a lot) of money with their shitty product, worse extensions, hideous plugins, and god awful templates.

Isn’t that what a business does? Isn’t that the circle of life?

Actually, when I stop and think about it. I would like to be surprised. I would like to wake up one morning and live in a world where the biggest companies don’t fart around laughing at us.

I’d love to live in a world where products like Magento worked well. And croissants were free. And coffee didn’t give me ulcers.

Hell, products like Magento don’t even have to perform miracles, or even work as well as their competitors like Prestashop, Bigcommerce, Shopify, or even fucking Woocommerce.

Just work “well.” That’s all I ask.

But that’s not the world you and I live in. That’s a world of day dreams and candy canes, where everything tastes like bubblegum and working on the web is a rewarding, wonderful process, and not a purgatory we go through between the end of University until we give up and land a real job.

I realize that at this point, I’ve been vague. I haven’t spoken very much about the “features” of this ecommerce platform. I haven’t talked about specific issues. Maybe I even come across as being mean and unfair to widdle ol’ Magento.

Fuck that. Listing even one “feature” here would be a discredit to every other ecommerce platform.

Testing their fucking platform again would be like giving a part of my soul to the devil in exchange for a jar of broken promises. I don’t need to revisit hell to know it’s a shitty place. Knowing that hell exists is enough.

The same can be said for Magento. As long as that motherfucker is still around, there will be tears and there will be sorrows. There will also be naive young web developers (like my younger self) hoping to land a good contract only to end up with the equivalent of a dagger in their brain as they try to parse through mysteriously broken code.

As long as there is a Magento, there will be an opponent, a monster, a devil, and no web developer will be safe.

So, if you’re a developer considering using this platform, all that needs to be said about Magento is that it is still the biggest piece of shit in Ecommerce.

Stay the fuck away from it.

Consider this is a public service announcement.

Blank Made Simple

Made simple. How many times have you reared your ugly head in copywriting, marketing and lazy branding?

Just today, by looking around the web, I can tell you there’s a marketing company called MadeSimple. A reality show called Home Made Simple. A video by the guardian called Bitcoin made simple. A content management system called CMS Made Simple. Dog food called Raw Made Simple. Punctuation Made Simple. Web design made simple. WordPress made simple. House made simple. Travel made simple. Wardrobes. Volatility. Digital. Purity.

And even Church Insurance Made Simple.

I’ve had enough. The list goes on ad nausea.

If you’re thinking about what to call your product, how to market it to masses, just stop. Don’t use these words.

You might think it “simplifies” your message. Or maybe it conveys the essence of your product in two easy words.

What you’re actually doing is being a lazy bastard like everyone else.

[Blank] made simple is not only over-used and lazy, it’s also terrible, and using it in your marketing copy makes you a terrible person.

It’s a vernacular transgression. Word-based sin. It’s awful and meaningless and should condemn your product to the fiery hells of bad marketing.

Think about it.What are you conveying with “volatility made simple” or “purity made simple”? What do either of these actually mean?

“You know, it means our facial cleanser is simpler than all the other complicated ones.”

Oh yeah? How so? What makes yours so simple and magical and different? Does it fly out of the bottle and apply itself or do you have to put some on your hands and rub it on your face like everyone else?

What about Church insurance made simple? Are all those other bastards mucking it up for everyone with their over-complicated, mechanical, soulless church insurance policies?

How many people on earth even need church insurance to be made simple? Where are the masses crying out, cursing the skies because insuring their church is just too damn complicated?

The worst part it, “made simple-ism” isn’t going to go away anytime soon.

Every day new products, new websites, new crappy brands emerge from the either and demand lazy ad copy. The people behind them will hire some marketing agency made simple, get the same regurgitated copy as everyone else, and pat themselves on the back while giggling about how clever they are.

If you’re one of the bastards writing this type of copy. Just stop. Please. For the love of good words and better phrases.